lithuanian adventures: family in low places

Don't spend time beating on a wall,
hoping to transform it into a door.

My parents have said this to me a few times in our deep conversations, arguments etc. Now, normally in the context it was written or said… one would assume it was talking about friends, a situation, a boy, SOMETHING else. Well, in this case, the quote is speaking to me directly.

Throughout my life I have been someone. I have been stevie zel hansgen. Lived on 6190 clear street, and 5627 valewood drive. Both in murray. I have had friends come and go. I have walked to wendys on state street after murray football games. I have sang my heart out on Friday and Saturday night with girlfriends who I thought would be there forever. I have went to concerts. I have watched the sunset from “the rock” hundreds of times. I have been apart of beautiful times, and I have had moments that I wouldn’t take back for the world.

I have cried, I have laughed, I have lived.

But along the way, I have had to say goodbye. Some intentional, some not. Some sad, some not. Goodbyes aren’t fun, especially when you look back and realize who you were then was fun. Who you are now is more wise, but sometimes I look back and say, “man, I wish I could relive that night one more time…” yada, yada, yada. In looking back I realize that in some points in my life I said something mean, I did something that was out of the stevie character that I did and sometimes I would think “stevie, what the heck, why would you say that?” and “stevie, that was rude!” or “uhh…. Duh, stevie, you are lying right now.” Anyways regardless of the situation I may have been I was maybe acting like someone I wasn’t and I didn’t like who I was being. I kept “beating on the wall” wondering why things weren’t working in my favor? Why wasn’t life being easy? Why was it sooooo hard?

I kept beating on a wall, seeing the door, but not wanting to open it because I was stuck in my ways. I was seeing the door, but ignoring the fact that yeah, maybe it was better… but who cared!!!!!!! I wanted it the way I wanted it and that was final!!!!

Being raised lds my whole life added things as well. Just being the stevie hansgen that I am, always wanted to know for myself the How come? And the WHY? Of everything, every rule, every choice. I know it drove my parents insane (sorry) but that’s just how I was, I didn’t know why I was that way, I just was! But, in being independent in that way it hindered me. My parents would say, don’t touch the stove its hot, so I had to see how hot. So immature and so lame but that’s how I was. As I grew older I could see that it was going into everything in my life. Curfew, drinking, decisions, boyfriends I had, the friends I chose etc. instead of embracing the door that was basically being held open by my family, a few of my good friends, I still chose to try and force myself into something was giving me NO genuine rewards.

Well, now fast forward 3 years and here I am. I am a 21 year old full of life to live. Living in eastern Europe. All alone. It has given me more than my fair share to evaluate things in my life. Why I have struggled, when I could have succeeded, and quite frankly it has forced my mind to go places it always shoved onto the back burner.

What I am trying to say while rambling on for dayyyyys and dayyyyss is this, I am happy. I feel better than I have ever felt in my entire life. Being away from everything was just what I needed, I just wish it hadn’t taken me 21 years to figure it out. I hope in me discovering who I want to be for the rest of my life will show me who my friends are. Because when what you are doing, and what you should be doing are the same that is when you are happiest. And when you are happiest with yourself and you stop, and look around and see who is standing with you, THAT is the glorious moment in life when you realize who your confidants are. I just hope I can be there for everyone else, as I hope you will be there with me. xoxoxoxo