the end is here.

it seems as if i have been a overflowing, box of emotion the past week or so. so  many feelings i have been having. it seems as though my soul has been moved everyday the past week. i have been thinking for at least two weeks about my final post in my blog. i don't know why, but it has been stressing me out a little bit because a part of me feels as if it will be closure on me leaving this place and this adventure, and to be honest, i really don't know if i am ready for that. so here i am, in my bed, on a beautiful snowy monday morning contemplating how i will combine 26 letters into words that i want to say with the 78 different direction this post may/will go. please, bear with me as i try to put my hearts deepest feelings into writing. 

i guess the best way to put it into words is, i feel so inspired. i feel like everything i have done here has had a purpose. there are so many things i have learned while being on my own, 5000+ miles away from anything familiar. while being at home, i wanted to be so many things. i wanted every life i looked at. i have friends that are fantastic artists, dancers, writers, hair dressers, teachers, singers, athletes, and i wanted all of their lives. while being away from their influences, ithas made me realize what a beautiful life i have made for myself. i wasn't living what i wanted while being home, i was so wrapped up in myself and who i had made myself out to be. being here has been such a beautiful and refreshing breath of fresh air. in being here i have become more grateful for what i have and realize the things that i don't and being okay with it. i have realized that the life i can make for myself will only be fantastic if i believe it is so.

i have made fantastic, life-long friends while being here. some that are not coming home with me, which makes me sad, but i am excited and grateful for the internet. which makes it possible to remain connected, although we are miles apart. 

i have learned a great deal about service and volunteering. lets be honest, teaching is SO much harder then i EVER would have imagined. it is the hardest, most frustrating, happiest, most rewarding thing i have ever been apart of. i now have a better understanding of what people mean to be childlike in your actions. (not to be confused with immaturity, this i will always struggle with) but they are so quick to love, and even quicker to forgive. i will miss them the most.

oh, my family. i have felt their love and support every day for the past 127 days i have been here. it makes my heart hurt to think that i was so careless and inconsiderate so many times when i was too headstrong to admit that i may or may not have embarrassed or disappointed them. i am excited to mend relationships, and become closer with all of them again. 

last but not least, myself. don't want to grow up, nobody does. but it is society that makes us think that we have to do things that in all honesty, we choose ourselves to be a part of. while preparing to come here, I was excited that I was going to be able to leave my past behind me. I wasn't going to have to deal with choices I had made, bridges I have burnt and I didn't have anything to remind me of those things because I was leaving. But, in being here I have realized something that has been the most life changing part… while being here, it’s seems as though I have seen my flaws in other people, seen things that brought old memories to surface. While walking in city centre in vilnuis a song came onto my shuffle on my ipod and it all seemed to click for a moment. Everything will always remind us of something. Good memory, bad memory… regardless of what we did do before, people we hurt, anything… we have the power to change it and make it right. the hardest thing for me, is to be able to forgive myself. Being here has given me down time in my own head to really pick apart and think of my life and mistakes I have made as well as good moments too. I hope I can maintain the mindset I am in here while I enjoy life back in the mother land. I am grateful for my family, friends and everyone else along the way.