the end is here.

it seems as if i have been a overflowing, box of emotion the past week or so. so  many feelings i have been having. it seems as though my soul has been moved everyday the past week. i have been thinking for at least two weeks about my final post in my blog. i don't know why, but it has been stressing me out a little bit because a part of me feels as if it will be closure on me leaving this place and this adventure, and to be honest, i really don't know if i am ready for that. so here i am, in my bed, on a beautiful snowy monday morning contemplating how i will combine 26 letters into words that i want to say with the 78 different direction this post may/will go. please, bear with me as i try to put my hearts deepest feelings into writing. 

i guess the best way to put it into words is, i feel so inspired. i feel like everything i have done here has had a purpose. there are so many things i have learned while being on my own, 5000+ miles away from anything familiar. while being at home, i wanted to be so many things. i wanted every life i looked at. i have friends that are fantastic artists, dancers, writers, hair dressers, teachers, singers, athletes, and i wanted all of their lives. while being away from their influences, ithas made me realize what a beautiful life i have made for myself. i wasn't living what i wanted while being home, i was so wrapped up in myself and who i had made myself out to be. being here has been such a beautiful and refreshing breath of fresh air. in being here i have become more grateful for what i have and realize the things that i don't and being okay with it. i have realized that the life i can make for myself will only be fantastic if i believe it is so.

i have made fantastic, life-long friends while being here. some that are not coming home with me, which makes me sad, but i am excited and grateful for the internet. which makes it possible to remain connected, although we are miles apart. 

i have learned a great deal about service and volunteering. lets be honest, teaching is SO much harder then i EVER would have imagined. it is the hardest, most frustrating, happiest, most rewarding thing i have ever been apart of. i now have a better understanding of what people mean to be childlike in your actions. (not to be confused with immaturity, this i will always struggle with) but they are so quick to love, and even quicker to forgive. i will miss them the most.

oh, my family. i have felt their love and support every day for the past 127 days i have been here. it makes my heart hurt to think that i was so careless and inconsiderate so many times when i was too headstrong to admit that i may or may not have embarrassed or disappointed them. i am excited to mend relationships, and become closer with all of them again. 

last but not least, myself. don't want to grow up, nobody does. but it is society that makes us think that we have to do things that in all honesty, we choose ourselves to be a part of. while preparing to come here, I was excited that I was going to be able to leave my past behind me. I wasn't going to have to deal with choices I had made, bridges I have burnt and I didn't have anything to remind me of those things because I was leaving. But, in being here I have realized something that has been the most life changing part… while being here, it’s seems as though I have seen my flaws in other people, seen things that brought old memories to surface. While walking in city centre in vilnuis a song came onto my shuffle on my ipod and it all seemed to click for a moment. Everything will always remind us of something. Good memory, bad memory… regardless of what we did do before, people we hurt, anything… we have the power to change it and make it right. the hardest thing for me, is to be able to forgive myself. Being here has given me down time in my own head to really pick apart and think of my life and mistakes I have made as well as good moments too. I hope I can maintain the mindset I am in here while I enjoy life back in the mother land. I am grateful for my family, friends and everyone else along the way. 

miss vs not miss

as the end is coming near i have thought of things i will miss and not miss about my adventures here...

things i won't miss
door handles breaking
soviet housing
no heating in our apartment
foam mattresses
giving strikes to the children
potatoes for every meal
walking to the school get fed every meal
cleaning our kitchen
doing dished by hand
sketchy bus schedules
akropolis
sooo much free time (i know it sounds weird but its true!)
the frigid cold
our washing machine (YUCK!)
lumpy pillows that cant be re-fluffed
the constant smell of wet cement everywhere in lithuania
words being lost in translation
45 min bus route to church

things i will miss
the girls i lived with
ladies that fed us everyday 
karina's "i love you's"
fresh snow everyday
danielo's hugs and huge smile when he would first get to school & see me
beautiful scenery
traveling often
luiza and sondra
sleeping in until whenever i would like
being invited to our kids houses and playing with them
ignas constantly trying to explain things to me
lukas, patryk and i's inside jokes
eldar's smile whenever we picked him to lead songs
the humidity for my skin/hair's sake 
late night chats with my roommates
the look of excitement on the kids face when we would tell them things about america
grain hazelnut chips
the love in our lithuanian branch at church
saturday soccer games with lukas, patryk, moze, simon & dora
the heartfelt gifts from the kids
hearing the kids sing "you are my sunshine"
early morning boxing

i apologize for my absence on my blog this past month-ish...
for whatever reason it is saying i have used up my free space so i am no longer able to put pictures.... semi sad right? since i am not one for writing (or spelling things right for that matter) and since it wont let me put pictures on here i will be gone until i can fix it. 

until then, keep updated with me on facebook. ORRR just wait 17 days until you can see me in person

until then.. viso gero!

The Top 10 things about time and space, Stevie, that most people seem to forget...

10. You chose to be here and you knew what you were doing.
9. There are no "tests" and you're not being judged.
8. Everyone's doing their best, with what they know.
7. You already have whatever you're looking for.
6. You are of the Divine, pure God, and so is everyone else.
5. Religion needs spirituality; spirituality does not need religion. 
4. You're naturally inclined to succeed - at everything you do.
3. You happen to life, life does not happen to you.
2. Order, healing, and love belie every moment of chaos, pain, and fear.
1. Following your heart is the best way to help others. 

The truth shall set you free, 
    The Universe

užupis, more birthday, chinese food, & more

with the other girls in sweden, it left a quite house to jaclyn and myself. a girl that we became friends with, Luiza,  showed us a few cool places in the days they were gone. the first day, we met up with her and our other friend Sondra and they showed us a really cool place called Užupis. It's a neighborhood in Vilnius Old Town. The district has been popular with artists, hippies and free spirits. On April 1, 1997, the district declared itself an independent republic. it has their own constitution and if we want, they can stamp our passports because its "its own republic" it is SO small and we walked the entire thing in 30 minutes but it was a cool, artsy, urban place to live!

jaclyn, sondra, luiza and myself.

cute sondra and i

because of the mirrored background that the constitution has, i'll just type all of the terms that their constitution has

Everyone has the right to live by the River Vilnelė, while the River Vilnelė has the right to flow by everyone.

Everyone has the right to hot water, heating in winter and a tiled roof.

Everyone has the right to die, but it is not a duty.

Everyone has the right to make mistakes.

Everyone has the right to individuality.

Everyone has the right to love.

Everyone has the right to be not loved, but not necessarily.

Everyone has the right not to be distinguished and famous.

Everyone has the right to be idle.

Everyone has the right to love and take care of a cat.

Everyone has the right to look after a dog till one or the other dies.

A dog has the right to be a dog.

A cat is not obliged to love its master, but it must help him in difficult times.

Everyone has the right to sometimes be unaware of his duties.

Everyone has the right to be in doubt, but this is not a duty.

Everyone has the right to be happy.

Everyone has the right to be unhappy.

Everyone has the right to be silent.

Everyone has the right to have faith.

No one has the right to violence.

Everyone has the right to realize his negligibly and magnificence.

Everyone has the right to encroach upon eternity.

Everyone has the right to understand.

Everyone has the right to understand nothing.

Everyone has the right to be of various nationalities.

Everyone has the right to celebrate or not to celebrate his birthday.

Everyone shall remember his name.

Everyone may share what he possesses.

No-one can share what he does not possess.

Everyone has the right to have brothers, sisters and parents.

Everyone is capable of independence.

Everyone is responsible for his freedom.

Everyone has the right to cry.

Everyone has the right to be misunderstood.

No-one has the right to make another person guilty.

Everyone has the right to be personal.

Everyone has the right to have no rights.

Everyone has the right to not be afraid.

Do not defeat.

Do not fight back.

Do not surrender.

after walking around in the wet all day we went to this chinease food place and it was okay..not my favorite but not too terrible! after we hurried and got in our warm beds because it was freezing!

 the next day, luiza gave a talk at a lds bastism so we went to support her and the people getting baptized  it was interesting to see that EVERYONE in the branch was present at the baptism. i guess thats the kind of intimacy that you get when you only have about 50-60 in the branch. it was cool to see how all of the members were so excited for the two that became members.it was a good experience for me to realize that we all need to be welcoming and genuine to those around us. after the baptism, luiza took jaclyn and i to a finnish grocery store that i have been wanting to go to for a few months now but didnt quite know how to navigate myself there. it was inside of a HUGE mall here that we didnt know existed but it was fun to see. we  will be coming back for sure with the other girls! after that we were STARVING and one of the people who got baptized earlier that day, his aunt has a restaurant that the missionaries in our ward told us that we HAD to try. being the chinese connoisseur that i am, (and luckily jaclyn as well) we made our way there. it was like a 45 min bus ride and a 10 min walk up a million stairs (slight exaggeration) but it was MORE THAN WORTH IT! urgh, i may even go to say that it is the best chinese food i have EVER had! yummmmmm! it was delicious and i WILL be back!

jen, myself and luiza

us at this cool look-out point in vilnius

 the next day was my birthday! yahoo the big 2-1. i cant believe i am that old, it doesnt feel real yet, and it probably never will. i want to do grown up things, without the grown up responsibilities, is that so much to ask?! haha anyways my day was spent at church and then in bed. i have been with a sickness for over 2 weeks now and it was no good. (cough, runny nose, sore throat, achy, and because of all the pressure in my head, i have went deaf in my right ear. no joke, i cannot hear!) 

anyways, i slept and watched lord of the rings (per usual) and waited for my dear friends holly, jen and meg to come back home. once they got home jen jac and i were in jen's room chatting about their time spent in sweden and TA-DA they had yet ANOTHER surprise for me! they had a big ice cream cake with candles and everything and brought it to me in bed! yayaya for them! i love them so much. after the cake festivites i had skype dates with my friends brandon brown, kenzie pehrson, brittney brown, mikey jacobson, and sean moysh i have the best friends ever! it was so nice to laugh and talk to them, even though i was way sick! and THEN my whole family skyped me from my uncles house! i was so excited to see them! it was so nice to see their cute faces but it made me miss them oh so much! i cant wait to be re-united for christmas!!!!!!!!

this past week was insane. monday i woke up and wanted to die because i was so sick. the missionaries gave me a beautiful blessing which helped my spirits, but not my sickness. which sucked. i woke up on tuesday and didnt feel much better but taught my classes because i felt bad asking jen to teach again because she was saying how she didnt feel well either so she didnt come to school tuesday at all. i was miserable. i love them so much and had missed them over our short break, but it was all i could do to not cry because i was so ready to be done within the first 6 minutes of class. after school, jaclyn said she felt like crap too! YUCK! then, wedneday jaclyn, jen and myself were alll SOOOO sick and dima canceled class for wednesday and thursday for us to be able to get feeling better. i didnt want to go to the Dr's here because dima said they arent very good and do not help at all and they are very expensive. (50$ a visit and 40$ for any testing they have to do ex. step throat test etc) so we didnt go to the actual dr's here but the pharmacy's here are different then at home. here, you go to them, tell them your symptoms, they check things off a paper and write things down and then give you what you need.... kind of sketchy but at that point, i was desperate. they gave me medicine and by thursday i felt 60% better. it was so nice to be able to rest and rejuvenate my body! 

ahhh  i love these kids!!!!!

hahahahahahahh for one of my classes i taught them how to place charades. oh my heck so hilarious. i could stop laughing and neither could the kids. best game ever!!!!! what i would do is i would choose one of the kids, they'd come out in the hall with me and would pick a piece of paper and on the paper it said different things that had to act out (fish, bird, pirate, boat, lion etc) ^^^ the video is one of danielos (of course, because he is my favorite and i dont care who knows it) and he was being a bird, can you tell? oh my  heck, i love these kids so much. today the girls and i were realizing we only have 4 more weeks with them. i legit started crying (shocker? no i am a hansgen, and our tears flow like rivers) but no seriously, i am so sad. i am not ready, nor will i ever be ready to tell them goodbye. i have developed such a huge, strong, unconditional love for all of them... ahhh i am not looking forward to having to say goodbye.

anways, later after school i was ready to be out of the house. i was developing a strong, awful case of cabin fever and needed to me out and about. holly, and megan felt the same and so we began on a journey to akropolis to see a movie. once we got there, we realized the movies we wanted to see weren't playing (if you cant remember, click HERE to read about the last encounter) anyways so we walked around, they were hungry so they ate, we watched a hockey game thing and then went to the grocery store. 

try this on for size!!!!!! (objects in picture are bigger then they appear)

i was so sick of eating starches, noodles and other cream colored things (ULTIMATE SHOCKER) and so i purchased bananas, 5 pomegranite, 15 clementines, 2 bell peppers, and a tree of broccoli  stevie is putting her foot down on carbs! hahahah we will see how long it lasts..... the only downfall of all this fruit/veggie buying was i had nothing to carry it in. needless to say, my arms were sore but they will be happy once i feed them with yummy nutrition!

we took the girls on the adventure we went on the previous saturday. prisma (finish grocery store) and then the amazing chinese food. they were so in love with us for  showing it to them. yayayya best roommate ever awards go to jaclyn and i :)

WE  WILL BE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

halloween & birthday happenings

i have been semi busy, but mostly procrastinating this whole blogging business because i have so much to say, with not enough time or willpower to say it.... well here we go, get ready for the long list of blog posts i have been putting of for about 2 weeks now hahaha...

HALLOWEEN! the kids had NO clue what halloween was, can you believe it? i LIVED for this holiday as a child. costumes, candy, parties... whats not to like? we have been introducing halloween to the kids for monthes and the time finally came to have a party! the kids LOVED it and thought that trick-or-treating was the funniest concept ever!!! perma-smile on all of their faces throughout the day, it made the maddness, so worth it!

ahh, moze. we asked the kids what they were going to come to school dressed up as, and he told me he was going to be a mummy or something, and i told him i was going to be a cat.... well the day finally arrives and this kid comes to school dressed as a cat! oh how i love this boy!! the green part on his head was grass because, "a cat in the grass" was his official title. he brought a red one for me.. thanks for thinkin of me moze!
 

hahah this is ema, she is a "mooomy" she loves bats, black and dark things so halloween was right up this girls ally. she was DIGGIN her costume! it didnt stay intact for very long but it was phenomenal while it lasted!

hahahahahah BY FAR THE BEST COSTUME EVER!!! hahahahah if you guys only knew this kids personality. hahha  he is shy, and does NOT like attention, so im sure he didnt quite understand what he was but all of us girls couldnt stop laughing and taking pictures with him. hahahaha look at that face of his!!! hes the best!!!

cute karina! shes adorable, so she could have worn anything and it would have been spectacular!

(insert eyeroll) i think that what the kids say to her 24-7 describes this picture best "mariaaaannnnna..whatchhuuu dooooooeeengg?" this girl is insane. so hyper, cannot control her, hugs you until you want to cry, kind of girl. she is hilarious but man, ALL the teachers have to wish for tolerance with this one. aka, i dont have any idea what she is. we just went with it! hahha

i was the treat-passer-outter. 

arent our little kiddies the best???

the next event, that took place was quite unexpected. let me explain, so after school we walk to the place that serves us dinner each night. the girls that teach and the other school usually come over 10-15 min after we get there, but usually they dont even come because they prefer to buy and prepare their own food. anyways, so we sit, eat, and talk about funny teaching stories. once we are finished we clean up and then walk home. well after the halloween business and such we are sitting there eating and the other girls dont come (normal) and so jac, jen and myself clean up and walk home.  as jen is unlocking the door we were talking about something and we walk inside and its dark and then BAM meg and holly jump out and yell surprise. for .5 seconds im like wow, they are throwing us a halloween surprise party. but then when jac and jen look at me im like uhh.. what? they turned on the lights and they had this sign made for me. how cute are they! holly, meg and jen were going to leave for sweden the next day and werent going to be able to celebrate my birthday with me so they did this instead. SO NICE! and you all know me, if im not between about a three and a seven on the emotional scale there are tears so of course i cry. hhahaha i just thought it was so nice and thoughtful of them.it was so much fun, they made a  nice dinner and we had "mocktails" for my big 2-1! i am the luckiest!

looking at my cute presents and cards from everyone!

im the luckiest to have awesome friends like them :)

a year from now?